Amazing Big Heart

I did him wrong. Who you might be wondering? My ex-boyfriend. With details I'd rather keep between myself and him, I finally talked to him woman to man. No excuses, just my feelings during that time and why it took me 2 years to finally tell him. Time goes so fast, especially when you ignore.
I gave him closure. I made him smile. I pushed him to move on.
It's weird being on the side. The side where you did the wrong moves to your partner. The side where you have to explain yourself to the person who you hurt.
I felt horrible.
He's amazing. His Big Heart is Amazing. That makes me feel even more pathetic.

His last words to me before we ended our conversation "u were the last woman to truly have my heart n body".

I don't know what to think. I'm lying on my couch, mentally frozen.
I'm regretful
I...no words.
I'm just so sorry Mike.

The Pursuit to Longevity

Back to the gym today. 3 cigs and not being in the the gym for the past week and a half really does it to you. 50 mins, really felt like 50 mins. My instep started to hurt by 20 mins and by 35 mins, my lungs were burning. But i pushed and pushed, ran and ran. Through the pain, the sweat in my eyes, the soreness in my arms, I continued. My mind is blank. Just black. Empty space. I love it. No thoughts, just the sound of my breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I feel my body. I feel alive.
Im addicted to it.

But now my feet are killing me. Im trying to run 5 miles in 50mins. Today i ran 4.5 miles. Almost there.
The pursuit to longevity is hard.
But you gotta go hard. Or go home.

I will have a wonderful night sleeping.
peace!

Stand Up Guy

*first, i wanna say that i bought a note book for my thoughts. I never ever had a diary or anything like that before. I needed to see my thoughts on paper. i wrote this between classes. Makes me smile and hopeful for the future*

Need a stand up guy. A guy who knows what he wants, not afraid to ask for it, reach for it. When he says "I'ma do it", he does it, with certainty and confidence.
A man who will take care of me mentally and physically. Stimulate me, both ways.
I want to lean on him, cling to him, hold him without no hesitation. Because i know he feels, yearns the same way about me.
I want to be held in his strong arms and feel his love poring through his pores. I want to be kissed on the forehead and hear his words as i drift off to sleep.
Nights and days will be as precious as breathing.
It makes me smile when i think about it
We will live for each other
...and our babies

*goodnight*

Therapy Session

It's been a while. Long time since ive been writing my thoughts, long time since ive been really thinking. I keep myself busy so I don't wonder off into dangerous territory. Places, events and people I don't want to think about.

My biggest fear will become the rescue of me.

My biggest fear? confrontin myself, confronting those thoughts i purposely hid away in the deep corners of my mind.

But i can rescue myself. Be true to myself. Be number one to myself.

Number one is Nas.

But that is hard to fathom. Put myself before others. But i know i must love myself before i can love others. I truly believe this.

so i will apply this to my life: Im breathing for me, not for others. My heart beats for me. My legs walk for me. My eyes gaze for me.
I will treat myself better. My body and my mind is my temple.

Feels so free when I think about.

It's a brand new day. And im feeling good.

Im gonna try to update this more often.

Love u all!

Good Update!

Well hello hello. Dont really know who im saying hello to. I only know of one other person who reads this besides me, whats up vinnie san. So anyways...apparently my last blog was april 23rd...damn...
So im gonna have a happy update!

Whats been goin on with my life:
Getting a tattoo this sat. Gettin tat tat tatted up.
Sleep is so much better since i got my bed.
Finally back to my fave pjs..." Tshirt and no panties on!" well actually haha...that was a joke. But my big new york tshirt and there are undies.
Getting a car...gonna zoom zoom zoom
Seein my friends from my obirin days
Wrapped the cute lil 1st graders around my fingers...got them giving me back rubs and massages.Great times.
Bought ten books and now reading the 7th book.
Am completely convinced that House is on my sexy for life list.
Noobies, Noobies and more Noobies
Forcing myself to go out more, even when i just wanna be lazy and stay home/sleep
Been doin some secret stuff....
Been cookin everyday.
WENT ON A DATE!
what a great date it was
appreciatin my remote control fan. I love u!
was gonna buy a iphone, but sad when i didnt see it at the softbank store.
ASL - area support leader
FOA - Fukushima orientation assistant
FuJET ms. pres - yeah biatch
its really sexy when ur dancin with a lollipop in ur mouth...will love that song for a long time
Birthday...23
my hot teacher up and got married...so im flirting extra hard...is that bad or am i just being bitter? maybe both...
decoratin my house
went home for a week. What a great time.
sad i missed thursty thrusday tho.
lovin my pasmo card. I love u!
did i say i went on a date?
snooped on my neighbor this afternoon...oh oh oh drama drama drama
here i am - rick ross...song i play at least 6 times a day. since last week
im over pluckin my eyebrows...need to stop
uuummmm.....there has to be more....made another trip to the hospital
oh yeah...realized why i never go out with youngins. can never get into the clubs!
nobby has the best style ive seen for a japanese man. love u!

i think for right now. im gonna stop.
So thats whats been goin on. Nothing really anything major. But the tat is big. Im excited and just cant believe im gonna do the whole pain thing. But this time for two hours! wtf....
so yes...
im getting tired. Gonna watch house or some katt williams. Most likely some katt.
throw the flag and blow ur whistle...haha so funny.

well ta ta!

Today after finding out one of my teachers at my visiting school is 6 month pregnant, she let me touch her stomach. Feeling the baby kicking, feeling it move was something so wonderful and amazing. Like opening a present, i was full with such excitement and joy, i just started to speak english to the baby. haha.

And then i looked even harder at my teacher, like really saw her. Not only as a teacher but as a mother. For some reason I had more respect for her. 6th months pregnant and still chasing down the 3rd graders down the hall. I know when i think about having a baby of my own, i think no, apprehensive and just straight scared. It's a big resposibility, me time is thrown out the window and wont return till well who knows.

But I just stared at my teacher and thought how strong she is, how unselfish she is, and maybe even more pretty. I've never seen unhappy pregnant person and she was glowing today.

This is a random post but i was surprised how i saw her in a different light today. I know she already has two children but just seeing her pregnant just got me thinking too much about babies.

ok itus,

bye

My younger brother is not so "young" anymore. Of course i knew, can tell that he's growing up each year. But still I thought him young cause his mind was still young mentally. Had that kid mentality still rapped around his finger, his body so tightly. My mom, always discouraged him still acting and behaving like a child, but her actions suggested otherwise. Like moms do sometimes.

Anyways, while i was waiting for my mom to call me on skype. Her 5 mintues ended up being about an hour long. I had an interesting convo with my brother and i might as well call him my other brother, cause Casey (bro's friend) practically lives at my house. He was asking me about Japan and places in Tokyo. Then he asks me where the hentai stores are. Nothing surprising cause I had about an hour long porno/hentai conversation with him. We have a very open relationship.

But sometime it can get tooo open. Like when after he asks me about the hentai places, he proceeds to asks me about the Japanese girls and how he likes their breasts and yada yada yada. Don't really wanna get my mind back to it, but i realized, had a big realization that my brother, well, my brother's male instints are coming in or were already in but i was too naive to see. I knew my brother watched porn, caught him a few times. Knew he's had sex before. No biggie. But never had he ever talked to me about liking girls, what parts he like, what he likes to do to those parts, ect or anything besides games.

He's 20. Of course he will think this way. Im glad he does. It's healthy. But just hearing it for the first time is....well just dont know what to say....

My little brother who drools when he sleeps likes boobies! And japanese girls with small feet....we all have our standards I guess.

Then he called me a bitch when i told him i was gonna buy a Wii.

I bet he thinks he can say it since im here and he's there.

He forgets ill see him less than a month.

Ima kick his ass when i see him.