Amazing Big Heart

I did him wrong. Who you might be wondering? My ex-boyfriend. With details I'd rather keep between myself and him, I finally talked to him woman to man. No excuses, just my feelings during that time and why it took me 2 years to finally tell him. Time goes so fast, especially when you ignore.
I gave him closure. I made him smile. I pushed him to move on.
It's weird being on the side. The side where you did the wrong moves to your partner. The side where you have to explain yourself to the person who you hurt.
I felt horrible.
He's amazing. His Big Heart is Amazing. That makes me feel even more pathetic.

His last words to me before we ended our conversation "u were the last woman to truly have my heart n body".

I don't know what to think. I'm lying on my couch, mentally frozen.
I'm regretful
I...no words.
I'm just so sorry Mike.

The Pursuit to Longevity

Back to the gym today. 3 cigs and not being in the the gym for the past week and a half really does it to you. 50 mins, really felt like 50 mins. My instep started to hurt by 20 mins and by 35 mins, my lungs were burning. But i pushed and pushed, ran and ran. Through the pain, the sweat in my eyes, the soreness in my arms, I continued. My mind is blank. Just black. Empty space. I love it. No thoughts, just the sound of my breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I feel my body. I feel alive.
Im addicted to it.

But now my feet are killing me. Im trying to run 5 miles in 50mins. Today i ran 4.5 miles. Almost there.
The pursuit to longevity is hard.
But you gotta go hard. Or go home.

I will have a wonderful night sleeping.
peace!

Stand Up Guy

*first, i wanna say that i bought a note book for my thoughts. I never ever had a diary or anything like that before. I needed to see my thoughts on paper. i wrote this between classes. Makes me smile and hopeful for the future*

Need a stand up guy. A guy who knows what he wants, not afraid to ask for it, reach for it. When he says "I'ma do it", he does it, with certainty and confidence.
A man who will take care of me mentally and physically. Stimulate me, both ways.
I want to lean on him, cling to him, hold him without no hesitation. Because i know he feels, yearns the same way about me.
I want to be held in his strong arms and feel his love poring through his pores. I want to be kissed on the forehead and hear his words as i drift off to sleep.
Nights and days will be as precious as breathing.
It makes me smile when i think about it
We will live for each other
...and our babies

*goodnight*

Therapy Session

It's been a while. Long time since ive been writing my thoughts, long time since ive been really thinking. I keep myself busy so I don't wonder off into dangerous territory. Places, events and people I don't want to think about.

My biggest fear will become the rescue of me.

My biggest fear? confrontin myself, confronting those thoughts i purposely hid away in the deep corners of my mind.

But i can rescue myself. Be true to myself. Be number one to myself.

Number one is Nas.

But that is hard to fathom. Put myself before others. But i know i must love myself before i can love others. I truly believe this.

so i will apply this to my life: Im breathing for me, not for others. My heart beats for me. My legs walk for me. My eyes gaze for me.
I will treat myself better. My body and my mind is my temple.

Feels so free when I think about.

It's a brand new day. And im feeling good.

Im gonna try to update this more often.

Love u all!