Today after finding out one of my teachers at my visiting school is 6 month pregnant, she let me touch her stomach. Feeling the baby kicking, feeling it move was something so wonderful and amazing. Like opening a present, i was full with such excitement and joy, i just started to speak english to the baby. haha.

And then i looked even harder at my teacher, like really saw her. Not only as a teacher but as a mother. For some reason I had more respect for her. 6th months pregnant and still chasing down the 3rd graders down the hall. I know when i think about having a baby of my own, i think no, apprehensive and just straight scared. It's a big resposibility, me time is thrown out the window and wont return till well who knows.

But I just stared at my teacher and thought how strong she is, how unselfish she is, and maybe even more pretty. I've never seen unhappy pregnant person and she was glowing today.

This is a random post but i was surprised how i saw her in a different light today. I know she already has two children but just seeing her pregnant just got me thinking too much about babies.

ok itus,

bye

My younger brother is not so "young" anymore. Of course i knew, can tell that he's growing up each year. But still I thought him young cause his mind was still young mentally. Had that kid mentality still rapped around his finger, his body so tightly. My mom, always discouraged him still acting and behaving like a child, but her actions suggested otherwise. Like moms do sometimes.

Anyways, while i was waiting for my mom to call me on skype. Her 5 mintues ended up being about an hour long. I had an interesting convo with my brother and i might as well call him my other brother, cause Casey (bro's friend) practically lives at my house. He was asking me about Japan and places in Tokyo. Then he asks me where the hentai stores are. Nothing surprising cause I had about an hour long porno/hentai conversation with him. We have a very open relationship.

But sometime it can get tooo open. Like when after he asks me about the hentai places, he proceeds to asks me about the Japanese girls and how he likes their breasts and yada yada yada. Don't really wanna get my mind back to it, but i realized, had a big realization that my brother, well, my brother's male instints are coming in or were already in but i was too naive to see. I knew my brother watched porn, caught him a few times. Knew he's had sex before. No biggie. But never had he ever talked to me about liking girls, what parts he like, what he likes to do to those parts, ect or anything besides games.

He's 20. Of course he will think this way. Im glad he does. It's healthy. But just hearing it for the first time is....well just dont know what to say....

My little brother who drools when he sleeps likes boobies! And japanese girls with small feet....we all have our standards I guess.

Then he called me a bitch when i told him i was gonna buy a Wii.

I bet he thinks he can say it since im here and he's there.

He forgets ill see him less than a month.

Ima kick his ass when i see him.

is buying a wii

decided it just now

im might not be leaving my house at all

at all

Im at a stage of my life where i feel like i need a complete overhaul. Spring cleaning if you will. Theres something im not happy with in my life. First i need to figure out what it is. Clean the crap out of it.

Also those hermit feelings of just staying inside, not doing anything, not going anywhere, even not talking to anyone doesnt sounds so bad lately. Right now human contact is not sounding so appealin to me, especially after the weekend i just had. Doesn't make sense tho, because everyone is rejoicing the warmth of the sun and flowers blooming. People are starting to come out of their houses and enjoying themselves.
I think im being backwards. Seemed to be more willing to go out during winter than i am now.

So far i know one thing i need to change: the friends i've made. Clear out my so-called friends and welcome new people in my life. I argued so much this past weekend that it just gets me angry again when i try to talk to him. I never met someone so opinionated, abrasive, provoking, and always at my expense. "I like to start things with you cause you actually talk back to me" he says. What he doesnt understand is that its not in my nature to be consistantly fighting. I don't like to argue, i dont want to argue.

I only laughed once the whole weekend? Once? Nas who laughs and smiles all the time, only once.

How can someone effect you so that you dont want to interact with other people?

I can't take negativity, people who always complain, provoking, mess with my weakness. I can stand people who are opionated and stubborn, but we all have to live around each other, have to communicate with each other one day. Why doesn't he try for a happy medium?

Immaturity is not attractive.

I need something to bloom like the flowers and flow by my way.

I need to bloom also. Try to get out of this funk im in.

But right now i dont feel like smiling.

Don't feel like being excited.

I know loneliness might have something to do with it. I got two emails from two of my ex's a day from each other. It's easy to think about the past and relish on how things used to be. A year back, i wasn't like this. Was happy everyday and smiling. Having someone i loved was a big part of it, but i was also happy with where i was in my life. It was a a great year.

This is a very depressin post. But i needed to get it out. Promise it will get better

sappy nas

Im so emotional! Can't stand it. Can't stand it.

Had a heated conversation about religion yesterday with my friend.

He made me cry.

What the... And as i was telling him that i was about to cry, i was thinking why am I crying over this? How can these words affect me more than someone calling me crude names. I consider myself a strong person, but for reason this hit my core and i couldn't hold it in.

Made me feel like i wasn't a good person.

I know im a good person, but does god know im a good person? Stupid friend made me doubt myself.

I was angry and started to cry. I hate it.

Anyways, another part of Nastassja, very emotional.

Besides from that, im getting annoyed at school. I have nothing to do except read Harry Potter and study japanese which i can't do for 8 hours straight.

One thing i can look foward to. Only two more days and ill be lickin hot chips crumbs off my thumb and index finger. Ummm get chills thinking about it. Gonna be a hot chips, hanami filled weekend.

Life is great